**Note: This test is designed to be taken by girls who are dating suspected geeks. Geeks taking this test themselves may not yield accurate results.

**Questions may be left blank if a suitable answer is not available for you.

1. Look around his living area.
a.
 Are there blinds closed over all the windows?
  Yes No
b.
 Now look closer. Are some of these "blinds actually bed sheets, shirts. pillowcases, or something similar?
  Yes No
   
  For this next question you will need access to the Internet.
  ** If you do not have access, it means your boyfriend does not have it. If this is the case, he is not a geek. Geeks need bandwidth to live. It is a basic neccessity, like water or a needlessly large calculator. It is possible that he is a nerd or maybe just a social reject. Regardless, it is inadvisable for you to date him in either case.
2. Find a good picture of a popular video game heroine. This should be a full body pic and she should be armed. Set this as your desktop and show it to your boyfriend. He should immediately recognize her. **If he does not, this is again most likely a case of misgeeken identity. Unless he scores very highly on the rest of the test, he is probably not a geek.
  Does he say something like "sweet", "hot", or "sexy"?
  Any comments about jump rope, pixels, or backing into a wall?
  Did you have sex later that night?
  Was it noticeably better than average?
   
3. Ask him to overclock your computer.
  Does his face light up with joy?
  Does he produce plastic tubing or mention "water-cooling"?
  He says he already did it while you were not home.
  ** You might want to hide your computer before asking this question. There is a good chance that you do not actually want your computer overclocked or even know what this means. Overclocking to geeks is a masochistic art form. It often leads to broken computers and will almost certainly create a large mess. Overclocking to the ambitious can involve materials such as freezers, nail polish, Vaseline, spray glue, and in one particularly creative act, 2 litres of cranberry juice.
   
4. Find an electronics store (a real one, not one that sells novelty alarm clocks). You might be nervous entering the geek equivalent to the Promised Land but just remember - you are female. Geeks fear you more than you fear them. Look for an older employee since, depending on how attractive you are, younger ones may be unable to function properly around you. Ask for a 470 ohm resistor (It is a small line of metal with a plastic bulge in the middle. It should cost between 1 and 25 cents). Go home and place it in one of his socks. Watch for its discovery.
  Does he look confused?
  Does he take it out and put it in a jar or some type of toolbox?
  Note carefully where he puts it and examine the spot after he leaves. Is it with other resistors?
  Are they also 470 ohm? (Look at the colored stripes. They should be the same colors in the same order)
   
5. Look at his collection of video games. Award 1 pt for each box that has a half naked, large breasted, anime woman.
  pts
   
6. Award 1 pt for every gaming system he has hooked up (this includes computers and charged hand held gaming devices).
  pts
   
7. Award 3 pts for every ancient console or computer part he has "on display" (i.e., prominently exhibited on a bookcase or fastened to a wall in some way. Ancient consoles include any released before the year 2000). Award 2 additional points if they are actually framed.
  pts
   
8. Does he ever say LOL? Not el-oh-el, but lawl? ROFL (raw-fel) also counts.
  Yes No
   
9. Does he ever try to talk about RAM or hard drives while you are at a restaurant or pub?
  Yes No
   
10. Is he pursuing a career in:
a. Engineering
b. Computer Science
c. Something that has Computer AND Engineering in the title
d. None of the above
   
11. Has he ever left a video game running while you had sex?
  Yes No
b. Could you hear the game music while you did it?
  Yes No
   
12. Does he own several miniature jars of paint and yet you have never seen a painting?
  Yes No
   
13. Does he have a calculator with a full keyboard on it?
  Yes No
   
14. Does he have a watch with a calculator on it?
  Yes No
   
15. Is he involved in an organized sport? Yes No
  Does this "sport" actually involve a computer or gaming system in any way?
 

Does equipment for this "sport" involve a comfortable, reclining computer chair or couch?

  Can he, if he so desires, eat a microwave pizza while playing this "sport"?
   
16. Has he ever gone to a LAN party? Yes No
  Was he gone longer than one night?
  Did he take a change of clothes?
   
17. Are there more carbonated energy drinks in his fridge than food?
  Yes No
   
18.

If you chained him to his computer chair, could he survive for three days?
  **You do not need to actually do this. Just look around his computer area and judge based on the number of drinks, foodstuffs, and empty containers that could be used to stor urine.
  Yes No
   
19. Does he purchase his clothes from websites? Yes No
a. Award two points for T-shirts with sayings that are not funny or do not make sense? (E.g., "all your base are belong to us", "fragged and friendless".
  pts
b. Award 3 pts for every shirt that has a binary joke on it (If it has a string of zeros and ones and does not appear to make any sense.
  pts
c. Award 2 pts for every shirt that advertises a computer company.
  pts
   
20. When he gets up in the morning, what is the first thing he does?
  Shower
  Eat a well-balanced breakfast
  Eat something with "pizza" in the title that is microwaveable
  Check his email
  Check his in-game mail
  Roll over, grab a controller and un-pause a video game
   
21. Have you ever fallen asleep and woken up to find:
  A new operating system on your computer?
  Your instant messenger program has all its emoticons disabled?**
  Your computer case is open and nothing happens when you push the power button?
  He has sold a peice of your computer and promises to replace it with something better?
  He says he "upgraded" something but now you cannot find any of your progams and your desktop background has reverted back to the default "rolling hills" picture?
  **Geeks do not like emoticons. They invented all the smiley faces and they resent the fact that non-geeks not only use them, but can also understand their meanings without "reading" them.
   
22. Has he ever expressed his feelings towards you using math? Yes No
  Examples include: A graph of his love vs. time, or perhaps a handmade card which reads "My love for you is an unbounded limit, approaching infinity from left and right." complete with graph.
   
23. Does he ever go to the comic book store carrying a box and not come back for several hours?
  Yes No
   
24. Do the kings in his weekly card game have special abilities?
  Yes No
   
25. Look at his resume. Does any of the "experience" listed look suspiciously like something obtained from a game?
  Yes No
  Examples include: "Lead a team of antisocial individualists to complete five major projects over two years" (Raid Leader/Dungeon Master) and "Mediated disputes over rewards to a conclusion acceptable to all involved." (Loot Master)
   
26.

Have you ever tripped/stubbed your toe on a computer part not attached to an actual computer?
  Yes No
   
27. Tell him his geekiest friend called to schedule LARPing** in the woods on Saturday.
a. Does he look confused?
b. Does he look concerned?
c. Does he call his friend and say yes?
   
28. Does he look good with his shirt off? And actually good, none of that "well he looks good to me" crap.
  Yes No
   
29. Subtract points for how hot you are. Dating a hottie lowers a guys geekiness.. Rate yourself from 1 (uggo) to 10 (super hot) and enter this number below. Be fair rating yourself: you have been judging him all day long and it is time to judge yourself a bit.
 
   
 

 

Copyright (c) 2004 Omi Inouye. All rights reserved.